short

After closing my blog, I came back again. Although I don't know for how much, and in different sense.

I have to say *stop* and put order, everything is turning too much for me.
I have few words, and less energy.
And I don't know if I am coming back, what I know is I am going to Spain for three days and hope everything will be alright and it will help me to feel my feet on the ground again.-

summary.-

beautiful days with a wonderful sun
I left a letter saying that I am thinking of disappearing a time to my partner right now, because I feel I am more into the relation than him, and I feel I need things I don't want to ask for, because I don't want to press him... And I think some things should come out from him, because me being here in this situation should be something he should have to care about by himself, I don't want to press and I assume he does not because he can't. I respect that, but have to come back to myself. I cannot lay on him and find there is no consistence.
Maybe I need to advance a step, but he is in a situation that requires time.
I feel he is more focused on himself, what is good for him, in this time, making therapy, changing so many things about himself, he must focus on him. I have been there, and in a relationship at the same time and feeling pushed all the time, trying to accomplish... I don't want that to him, or to provoke that to him. That's why I am in the withdrawing more than in the assertive asking for attention.
I want to share everything with him. I want to help him. But I breaking down here. And it does not seem he notices.
Maybe I felt too broken... I don't know

everything spins sometimes. I feel shaken.

wonderful days with a wonderful sun...

reading something

I read this and don't know why -what a strange thing- it called my attention, so I write it here...

The Golden Goose

I live on a little lake and love to watch the geese just outside our backyard. The goose has lots of symbolism associated with it. The snow goose is the totem for the winter solstice in the Native American medicine wheel. And it was a sacred bird in Rome's temple of Juno. We've all heard of Mother Goose's stories and rhymes as children. The goose represents a childhood belief in stories. It can be used as a reminder to aid us in communication, particularly through the use of stories. Many years ago, a goose feather was the preferred writing instrument. So writers can also use the goose to help stimulate the imagination. Goose down feathers are often used in bedding, so the goose is also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. Geese mate for life and they share the parenting responsibilities equally. There are eight different species of geese in North America. The number eight is significant because it is the symbol for infinity turned sideways. Geese migrate back and forth continually on their quests. They shift formation while they migrate, taking turns with who takes the lead to make it easier on the group. The V-formation symbolizes opening up to new possibilities, like an arrowhead, pointing to new directions. The goose reminds us to be open to new adventures, to keep our view unobstructed, and to help each other.

Animal Speak: The Spiritual and Magical Powers of Creatures Great and Small

depressing

Sometimes I feel life is abandoning me

I feel many times, repetitively in my life I am at the beginning of something. It seems it never ends that I am at the beginning of something, I never am at a higher stage, maybe because I never stay, because I never learn, because I change too much

It feels as if I have been wrong in everything I have done in my life regarding to studies and what to be in life. It seems I have wasted my time fulfilling the need to end and have the Degree or the practic document that says I have studied that just to avoid a worse bad. Just as the least bad.

It feels as if is really now when I have to ask me what I want to do in life, what I would like my job to be. When I am at this stage of age, with a background in something many times don't serve for anything here. Or in me, because it is most of times something that I don't want to do.

Maybe the only thing I really like from what I have done has been translation, but I have not enough training or experience to aspire to it. Then I ask myself if I should continue studying. But if you ask me, this sucks. I have been studying always, studying and working, studying. I have two Degrees and one Bachelor, and it is almost for nothing. That is.

And I feel completely wrong in my decisions, completely, completely wrong.-

definitiveness

Days pass. I feel in an unstable water sometimes, as if I don't know well how to explain to anybody why I am still here. I wonder if I am here because of a person or because of me...
I wanted to be here, I also loved so strongly, so faithfully a person, who is not in my here.

Maybe I see him soon. But in any case, I want to be serene.
When I think maybe I am here because of the person that is in my life, I feel this decision is pretty serious and definitive, because I should think this time is definitive, do I want to begin again?
do I want to love again?
do I want to be always like this, do I not want to share my life in long term with somebody? is it not true the reason I had not this already was not because of me?

Then I should think it is something serious, and maybe I really have taken a big decision already. Almost not thinking of it.
And it scares me

I have to laugh at me...

God I am the worst. he answered at the end, seems he has the worst of days, and I entered in meditation and don't feel bad about the common world, I just float in myself and some kind of love feeling surrounds everything.

I think I cannot be hard in any way. and I only can smile at him. why I see in everybody that intimal light of life and don't see people like other people do?

I must do something with my spiritual feelings, maybe?

one hour, two hours, three hours...

no news. it annoys me that I was who was feeling bad, but I am not stubborn enough to maintain my status quo, and too sensitive about how he feels

and second, that inside everything there is a hidden fear that he abandones me. I feel I must be assertive and understanding all the time

I am tired of not having the place I should. I am tired of feeling air behind my feet, I am tired of not feeling safe.

I am so tired. and my nervous system is there, and my heart is there, and my empathy is there, and my fears are there. and I don't do anything with all this, just take distance, do what I in conscience think it is better for the other person or for the situation, I am polite and sensible. feeling like shit
many people have the 'luck' of behaving as a total uncontrolled emotional shit and people love them the same, it must be the magic of adictive emotions. but here I am, I try to be sensible all the time and don't surrender to punctual bad emotions (for that I have the blog) and behave as I must, and it seems that I am not taken in consideration. what is this, do we need to be exploited to treat with respect and consideration? is it only fear what moves the world? only fear to lose something or somebody? that is sad to think. if I surrendered to that, how my actions would be? how inconsiderate, how thoughtless

of course he is working. but maybe a text to the mobile is not so much to ask for. but then you must give time to people, don't you? people have the right to make you worry and then take their time. yes, it must be this.
and I should have the right of feeling that is completely wrong made. and then I should know what to do when somebody that you love makes something wrong to you, because I only know to forgive and understand when I love a person, because poor him, he feels so overwhelmed and poor him, he will feel guilty. can you be hard with a light of life.
too much heart, sophie.
I really have to be hard, sometimes. otherwise nobody sees, nobody knows, world is plenty of blindness, and plenty of masochism. must be that
you don't care about who gives uncondicional love, you must be there suffering bad treats. and maybe at the end you cry when you lose that one. quite silly.-

communications

"DearAll!WouldUlike2SpendQueensDayInAdam.
We'llMeetAtTwJS.At11amSharp:)
PleaseLetMeKnowSoonIfUcome
Alsofriends/partnersWellcome.Muak!Lia"

fun way to make it shorter. and I would like to be able to go with my partner, that would be great, so great that I read this and shadows me. by phone.

and then,

"I just had a horrible day with an even worse ending.
I am distraught right now and do not know what to do
or how to feel."

I just read this and my stomach squeezes. it seemed it was me who was bad today. but I just cannot resist him feeling bad, and even I don't know exactly why. I phoned him right away, but it was midnight, just a minute after this, he switched off... and now it is me who is distressed. even more, and at the same time my breathing begins to tremble and something shakes inside and maybe I even can end crying, I say to myself:
-sophie, tomorrow you must remember it is you who feels bad. please, don't empathize, because then you go to him, you console yourself, just to make him feel better
but what about you? who makes you feel better?
and my ball makes bigger and bigger
please, remember you feel bad. focus on you, centre on you
I am a ghost that dissolves in the world, nothing has sense
centre on you, close your ears, a day maybe, just until your heart feels better

I know I am feeling pretty bad, and I would not like to reach an edge in which I take a drastic solution, and it crossed my mind already. I can not be understanding more than I do, helping more than I do, having more patience than I really do because I feel really bad in this situation. but I always put my feelings aside and end going to the other's feelings. and he told me he had this same problem, but curiously that does not happen with me, maybe because I am very understanding or because he feels very relaxed and confident, what is good. but I feel he is not seeing what happens here inside many times. in me
this time, by mail.
wanna know how your day will end? sad and with a punch in your stomach.-

what do you need to be happier?

That is a good question. maybe, a place, a person, people, or a job. maybe money, or not, or some kind of job with which you can maintain yourself, and then the one you like doing.

I don't know anymore.

I suppose many of those things, or feel nurtured spiritually who knows. everything seems pointless

In the middle of everything I feel I am not prioritary for him, I go after a long list of appointments. but he is priority for me, and this never is a good combination. maybe now I am realizing that I am here now because of him, because *I* would have waited until having a full time job, or better conditions, or just after summer that the course begins. it is true I wanted to come back, but like this?
good question.

and I don't feel as if I am here because of him, because I feel I am not a priority for him. so I feel strange, and thinking of sending my curriculum to other places. maybe leaving from here, and just focusing in a good job, should I?

I would like to feel I have something here. whatever thing you can call 'something'.-

sex therapy

many times when I masturbate I feel that wish to cry. first it was uncontrolled, I cried right away, like breaking in something
now I know how to close that door, to that pain, that I don't guess from where it comes
now I can make it, and stop the welling up of tears. I am not sure it is really good to be able to close doors, it is good not to feel pain again and again, be able to avoid repetition, this kind of adictive tend we have to some emotions. but is it good to shut up the pain?
where is the line. something arouses inside me in that moment.

I am not able to reach the climax with him either, with no him actually. I enjoy so much but I feel so ridiculous and as if he was waiting for that bored, what is not the case.
maybe I need sex therapy who knows. and on the other hand I am totally out of control about sex. on all day. definitively
maybe yes, I need it