tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86614000054545484402012-02-16T16:35:20.100+01:00nayadenoreply@blogger.comBlogger2321100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-39033057888509499732008-05-20T15:23:00.003+02:002008-05-20T15:26:02.793+02:00

After closing my blog, I came back again. Although I don't know for how much, and in different sense.I have to say *stop* and put order, everything is turning too much for me.I have few words, and less energy.And I don't know if I am coming back, what I know is I am going to Spain for three days and hope everything will be alright and it will help me to feel my feet on the ground again.-

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-53866999437516555712008-05-09T12:27:00.005+02:002008-05-09T16:23:54.555+02:00

beautiful days with a wonderful sunI left a letter saying that I am thinking of disappearing a time to my partner right now, because I feel I am more into the relation than him, and I feel I need things I don't want to ask for, because I don't want to press him... And I think some things should come out from him, because me being here in this situation should be something he should have to care

nayadenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-18170580066576092632008-05-09T12:09:00.005+02:002008-05-09T12:15:40.894+02:00

I read this and don't know why -what a strange thing- it called my attention, so I write it here...The Golden Goose I live on a little lake and love to watch the geese just outside our backyard. The goose has lots of symbolism associated with it. The snow goose is the totem for the winter solstice in the Native

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-39654524865393189712008-05-06T13:58:00.004+02:002008-12-12T07:55:34.201+01:00

Sometimes I feel life is abandoning me I feel many times, repetitively in my life I am at the beginning of something. It seems it never ends that I am at the beginning of something, I never am at a higher stage, maybe because I never stay, because I never learn, because I change too muchIt feels as if I have been wrong in everything I have done in my life regarding to studies and what to be in

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-44038353344308303052008-05-04T23:00:00.004+02:002008-05-09T12:27:07.659+02:00

Days pass. I feel in an unstable water sometimes, as if I don't know well how to explain to anybody why I am still here. I wonder if I am here because of a person or because of me...I wanted to be here, I also loved so strongly, so faithfully a person, who is not in my here.Maybe I see him soon. But in any case, I want to be serene.When I think maybe I am here because of the person that is in my

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-83215334341723210802008-04-29T13:22:00.003+02:002008-12-12T07:55:34.430+01:00

God I am the worst. he answered at the end, seems he has the worst of days, and I entered in meditation and don't feel bad about the common world, I just float in myself and some kind of love feeling surrounds everything. I think I cannot be hard in any way. and I only can smile at him. why I see in everybody that intimal light of life and don't see people like other people do?I must do something

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-43550760064779076332008-04-29T12:17:00.007+02:002008-12-12T07:55:34.598+01:00

no news. it annoys me that I was who was feeling bad, but I am not stubborn enough to maintain my status quo, and too sensitive about how he feelsand second, that inside everything there is a hidden fear that he abandones me. I feel I must be assertive and understanding all the timeI am tired of not having the place I should. I am tired of feeling air behind my feet, I am tired of not feeling

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-17090070782583602642008-04-29T00:13:00.008+02:002008-04-29T13:33:42.280+02:00

"DearAll!WouldUlike2SpendQueensDayInAdam.We'llMeetAtTwJS.At11amSharp:)PleaseLetMeKnowSoonIfUcomeAlsofriends/partnersWellcome.Muak!Lia"fun way to make it shorter. and I would like to be able to go with my partner, that would be great, so great that I read this and shadows me. by phone.and then,"I just had a horrible day with an even worse ending.I am distraught right now and do not know what to

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-82888896379405888562008-04-28T14:46:00.002+02:002008-04-28T14:54:43.993+02:00

That is a good question. maybe, a place, a person, people, or a job. maybe money, or not, or some kind of job with which you can maintain yourself, and then the one you like doing.I don't know anymore.I suppose many of those things, or feel nurtured spiritually who knows. everything seems pointlessIn the middle of everything I feel I am not prioritary for him, I go after a long list of

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-55200130375267805442008-04-26T13:30:00.004+02:002008-12-12T07:55:34.807+01:00

many times when I masturbate I feel that wish to cry. first it was uncontrolled, I cried right away, like breaking in somethingnow I know how to close that door, to that pain, that I don't guess from where it comesnow I can make it, and stop the welling up of tears. I am not sure it is really good to be able to close doors, it is good not to feel pain again and again, be able to avoid repetition,

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-24199779304042321692008-04-25T22:21:00.001+02:002008-04-25T22:23:25.067+02:00

Too sentimental at times, too fucked up with the jobs, too sensitive with the past and too vulnerable to "his other side". the one he has to end withbad balance today.

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-41999918939692542912008-04-24T09:10:00.003+02:002008-12-12T07:55:35.037+01:00

It seems I have tides inside, sometimes worries come to my door, sometimes I feel smoothly like air, as if everything pass through me with a caress, with a smile. Today I got up and knew today will be one of the second days. This thinking flying to the last person in my life has made me feel quite uncomfortable these days, but I also know it will be a continuum, because I need a level of honesty

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-20001936804899542172008-04-23T13:17:00.004+02:002008-12-12T07:55:36.125+01:00

Sometimes the world spins out, I feel dizzy in what seems to be the immensity of events, actions, changes, life, running everywhere, making fakes, uncovering fakes, shaking the world we call world, making the columns tremble, making the thoughts go scared around theirselves, vibrating all inside, all around...just looking at the movements, still"Where is my heart?" I think sometimes. Sometimes I

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-62371401867849104132008-04-18T13:12:00.004+02:002008-04-18T13:41:13.740+02:00

It is incredible how nice this feels! I must be crazy. But somehow I feel liberated, I can write what I want, just what comes to my mind, to this unknown. The strange public-private space. Nobody has come here since I created the blog, why I will have the impression I am really publishing something?I was thinking yesterday why I did not just write a diary. I think I came to the conclusion that it

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-22071596896349124332008-04-11T21:47:00.016+02:002008-12-12T07:55:36.317+01:00

mmquite greyI am supposed to feel better. maybe just some cloudsI feel quite sensitive.I am trying some words. even feel like writing, even feel the need maybe or the profound wish. but an also profound feeling stops me. as if it is not the same valued like before, as if it does not have the same meaning that it has to me. and feel strangely alone. feel a strange force inside moving, making my

nayadenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-70207117066907628182008-04-10T14:10:00.007+02:002008-04-18T13:34:44.447+02:00

circles in my mind...circlesinusoidalisolated in the curve,in silence....

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-92065027579692180682008-04-09T18:45:00.005+02:002008-12-12T07:55:38.660+01:00

just undo the towel... take the blue away.

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-61352896000345915882008-04-07T13:47:00.007+02:002008-04-07T15:16:51.623+02:00

Today is a good mood day, and I had to take the opportunity to blog a day in which I feel better!There is not a big change, or maybe yes, the angle in the things. I am inside my pmsing process, and I feel a mix of bad with myself, defeated, underlevel, sometimes ridiculous and a long list. Today I left his apartment in this mood, because I felt quite sad yesterday and even with everything I felt

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-46097421169073280252008-04-06T17:11:00.006+02:002008-12-12T07:55:40.150+01:00

how fun!it seems 'at home', my mother continues complaining about me being here and trying to press. how nice!these are the things one person needs to re-affirm in own decisions.everyday I am here in this cafe, with my laptop and face of not friendly searcher of apartments.I just saw one room that was... God, magnific. I don't know, so beautiful. but now, the sieve. anyway I don't make any hope,

nayadenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-75921550584909397762008-04-06T14:07:00.005+02:002008-12-12T07:55:40.573+01:00

sometimes I am very hot. sometimes dark, sometimes white like the invisible light.sometimes I run, sometimes I hide.sometimes I feel a staggering dichotomy, like sweet and ironic, like dark & contaminating and a perfect kind & light air. don't ask me how I can feel all at the same time, how it beats inside, how my looks seem to change every second or how I am feeling right now.don't ask me about

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-44065758972363379102008-04-05T21:31:00.004+02:002008-12-12T07:55:40.878+01:00

sometimes is so easy and so difficult. so easy like being with the right person, so difficult like being able to connect to yourself to be yourself. I have some problems to find myself in english, it sounds rare, but it is as if the situation was over my level of ability to connect the language with my actions. I am the worst with the language these days, I feel none of the things I want to say

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-61220428692145681992008-04-04T14:43:00.003+02:002008-04-04T14:51:32.284+02:00

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-8466821926312839012008-04-03T23:15:00.006+02:002008-04-03T23:35:56.483+02:00

Well, the bad yesterday passed, I got a healing phone call at the last time that made me feel very relieved, some part because it gave to me solutions and I saw more clearly what to do next, but this was not essentially, essentially because that voice worries and cares about me sincerely, nakedly, barely, and it undresses my soul completely until I just want to have it here surrounding me again

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-71155603924933845372008-04-02T18:47:00.008+02:002008-12-12T07:55:41.199+01:00

today is one of those days in which everything seems difficult and impossible. that you don't know what to do, what to do next because you don't give a shit, or saying it more kindly you don't think it will go well. so then why giving a tryand there is no strong reason to feel such discouraged, so just stop that line sophie because the next step is you feeling like a stupid and making a never

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-1299560430545786592008-04-01T15:17:00.007+02:002008-12-12T07:55:42.745+01:00

Yesterday I made my first food shopping in Amsterdam. Fruits and carrots. My life here is to be in a shared room in which I am alone, have a heavy baggage that I cannot carry by myself, look for a room not desperate but with a growing feeling of anxiety and the knowledge that the hostel is full on Friday so I will be out, with no place to sleep and overwhelmed by some bags and luggage that weighs

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-26474322084095657872008-03-29T09:40:00.005+01:002008-12-12T07:55:43.771+01:00

Strangely I am so nostalgic about the orange blossom, you cannot imagine the beautiful it is to know spring has come because you smell a divine fragrance everywherethis is something difficult to forget, these things that are in your brain. these days I felt so moved with these little flowers, and I know I will miss themthe old stones everywhere, appearing when they are not invited, arising in new

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-35946878638344014412008-03-26T11:31:00.005+01:002008-12-12T07:55:44.536+01:00

He apologized today, he apologized very strongly, I think the time he seems to be more ashamed by something. Many times I needed his apology, because many times he hurt me. Sometimes the 'I am sorry if you...' seemed a formalism, in the correctedness of the manner seemed to be some hinted feeling as if I was wrong all the time for feeling bad. the correctedness and the neatnessSomehow, it is

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-18039915915878290402008-03-26T01:55:00.018+01:002008-12-12T07:55:50.013+01:00

Almost without words, I see the world, these days in no time, far from orderthe north in the northchildren traceswall with wordslike an arm of earth floating in water and joining by a bridge to the supposed safe landseconds before the snowfall, the latitude freezesseagull and cloudsbeginning to fall ill, reading fear in my eyes, in my veins, in my breath, in the beatsnowfall after the sun seconds

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-92218061742997898312008-03-24T00:17:00.007+01:002008-12-12T07:55:50.163+01:00

these days I don't feel like writing. I don't know why, I don't feel like showing images or words.it is scary how sensitive I am at times. at the same time I am sensible, understanding and calm I am sensitive and emotional, I feel easily vulnerable, impotent or frustrated. when I know my emotional state is not 100% balanced I omitted it, take time and wait until I feel better. I like to give the

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-14761664379675668372008-03-20T17:33:00.002+01:002008-03-20T17:41:27.662+01:00

the truth is that I am in the lowest time in timethe truth is that I don't know where to go or who to embracethe truth is that I have a wish of loneliness that hides a wish of companythe truth is that I try to be right to others but I am mess insidethe truth is that I don't feel I am really able to be responsible of myselfthe truth is that I am wreckedand fearful and don't know what to doI wish

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-42280871282377796262008-03-20T14:38:00.005+01:002008-12-12T07:55:50.291+01:00

hairs are a deal to me. and now I saw this! what strange haha... not that I am thinking of using it, but somehow the fact you need to *have* them to use it well... it gave some of a nice comforting feeling to me! I have nothing against them, as it is something natural, but I know my feeling of natural things is not shared many of times what I love the most is the lucky betty HAHA! to

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-56789043362113241342008-03-20T14:20:00.004+01:002008-12-12T07:55:50.963+01:00

going, coming, flying, thinking, doubting, feeling confused...I would like to have a phylosopher's stone... just to feel its touch, not even to know from itI would like to touch the certainty, the right, the truthwhy will I be so vulnerable...?

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-40841348313350154482008-03-17T18:21:00.006+01:002008-12-12T07:55:53.397+01:00

last saturday I was in antwerpen. I bought this thongnormally I don't wear flowered underwear, or very adorned, I am quite on plain colourstoday I saw I like it though, maybe I should change my wardrobemany times I feel insecure of my bodyespecially about my breastsI really need more sex, more nudity, more time with arms holding me very tight and hours with someone kissing my nipples until these

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-60893168539864078002008-03-16T23:11:00.004+01:002008-03-16T23:31:16.497+01:00

I don't have any plan, I am just taking things as they come. I am profoundly scared, in a so scary level that I live burning sights in a more superficial level. There are a lot of things that I could adduce to myself for not continuing, but I miss them, and I do.I somehow come here undressed and leave all things behind, and my parents again and again make of this a very big deal, a very big

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-76135108441850943352008-03-16T23:07:00.002+01:002008-03-16T23:10:37.125+01:00

how is possible that they have phoned me at least four times in five days.how is possible the way I fell in love two years ago.how is possible that sometimes I live as if I was not me.how is possible that I already miss him.how is possible that I felt every mm of my muscles trembling, shaking while making love.how is possible that I can be so scared and walking firmly at the same time.how is

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-783550500277046862008-03-14T22:54:00.007+01:002008-03-15T00:22:02.097+01:00

Well... how to say it in few words! I am inside a frantic activity! :-)- I have time for nothing as I have been so busy with the job interviews and looking for a room. This is incredible!!! please allow me to shout, INCREDIBLE!!!!! But it seems I will be here living from April, I saw one room very decent with some good points (very nice people in the apartment, close to a natural area!!), bit far

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-50563242199598442482008-03-11T08:59:00.008+01:002008-12-12T07:55:54.115+01:00

I feel strange these days. it is a mix of tired and downheartedI have been looking at the sea for long... and still is not enoughtomorrow I fly to amsterdam, I am looking forward to being there hovering in the planethat feelingI should be focusing on me, as I am going to some job interviews, but I am totally out of focusthe sun here in the south is amazing. last day it was teasing with clouds,

nayadenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-49027589875907531402008-03-10T22:39:00.008+01:002008-12-12T07:55:55.184+01:00

Relaxing some days out of the city, enjoying the sun and the clouds. The joke of the shadows and the coldness, sleeping with cold in a caravan and laughing at nothing.Thinking and walking forward, talking about future and believing, inside the coldness, the frozen light and the contradictory sun.Being with a friend, a real friend. Spending time of words and silences, nakedness and sun.Being in

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-38809486578836879302008-03-03T07:06:00.007+01:002008-12-12T07:55:55.958+01:00

nayadenoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-29876632535012469662008-03-02T16:47:00.008+01:002008-12-12T07:55:56.111+01:00

uhm, I have just said to my mother I am going to amsterdam next weeksometimes I think if it would not be better to pass the spring here, just doing nothing, maybe giving some private classes and making queries and getting bronze, and then go there in summeron the other hand, I have an opportunity now, and begin working as a language teacher is exactly what I need in my curriculum. also if now I

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-11628434947510242242008-03-01T14:44:00.022+01:002008-12-12T07:55:56.794+01:00

crying all the timethinking vaguelyall this has affected me pretty too muchregret, feeling of clumsiness, defeatedbeginning a new beginningno strenghtI should not be so affectedbut I am blown awayseems without that nothing has senseI feel profoundly failed in myselfas if I was not able to do it anymoreall my willpowerseems to vanishhave you put all your effort in something and when that is not

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-65575434267785776252008-02-29T18:50:00.017+01:002008-12-12T07:55:58.735+01:00

I hardly can write. some pressure inside eats the wordssometimes I analyze my life, sometimes I put in doubt what was in doubt before or what was not. I ask myself about what meaning my life should have, what way I should followmaybe I am really not prepared yet to build somethingthere is a way of non dependence, a strange feeling where loss does not hurt anymore. it greets the meeting and

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-10818119506079096582008-02-27T21:04:00.005+01:002008-12-12T07:55:59.439+01:00

I am so sad.

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-41494270826907860562008-02-26T18:07:00.004+01:002008-02-26T18:21:47.050+01:00

sophie, I read your blog 'intuition' and worried! we have to meet and talkyeahare you going to do any of those things? why are you not sure about amsterdam now??because I feel it is not me who decides anymorebut are you going to barcelona???don't know, have no ideawhy do you feel like this!??... I feel I cannot say no.but why you don't centre on you?because I feel too much desire

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-83013960022988271342008-02-26T11:45:00.019+01:002008-02-26T17:36:08.794+01:00

well, yesterday night my parents were planning some days of travel for me (with them) to chill after the exams. good for themI mean they are sooo nice. the problem is I have to chill of everything and that includes parents.I don't find myself anywhere, I don't know what I want to do in this momentAt night an asshole phoned me asking for another girl and when I told him I was not he went being a

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-58798777768134275442008-02-25T20:11:00.007+01:002008-02-25T20:44:20.052+01:00

I don't know, I have the impression I am not going to be living in amsterdam so soon. some kind of intuition, I don't know if they will not give me the jobs? I am going to write today or tomorrow to arrange the meeting. I don't know what is but I feel too much motionless inside me, as if things were not be in the moment of revolution now. maybe just an impressionbut if this is true, will I be

nayadenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-47026073886531573552008-02-25T16:03:00.006+01:002008-12-12T07:55:59.949+01:00

love, strange thingI could not define it anymore. so many things at the same time. too many kinds of lovetoo porous concept. I would like to have a neat heart, but I have not. everything messes, concepts fly, I am fired to the sky and at the same time the bullet moving upward reaches me, it pierces me but I am nothing to it. it continues going upward and I fall down to the groundI dream to fall

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-50436662907288917572008-02-24T21:08:00.006+01:002008-12-12T07:56:00.246+01:00

"come to meI will not ever throw you backif you need to come here to feel me closecomeif you need to read in my veinsreadif you need to kiss with your eyes my soullook at meif you need glances look for my eyesif you need feeling touched look for my warmththere is nothing badthere is no wrong territory where you cannot passthere is no land and there is no wayin which I can tell you"don't cross"if

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-89984093971063172312008-02-24T16:31:00.002+01:002008-12-12T07:56:00.639+01:00

I'm worried, because he does not seem to be ok.I am studying, writing the paper, my body is very tired after all these days, just the last effort. I am full of thoughts, and I am feeling a bit more adult and a bit more conscious. And more and more I am worried about everythingI need to rest and sleep

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-89008940244198888202008-02-23T21:42:00.007+01:002008-12-12T07:56:00.851+01:00

I would like to be more honestI would like to stop feeding long reasonings, trying to understand what I understood that I did not understand or I really did not understandI would like sometimes to forget I have mind to waste the things thinking about themI would like to know if I want a calm life or I want transgression, if I really can know in advance what possibilities lead with what ways, and

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-69379121781005832292008-02-22T19:16:00.006+01:002008-02-23T21:59:13.949+01:00

Just a bit silly, I saw this in paavei's blog and I just did it because I was curious, tests are so difficult to me! I always think the answers too much... this or this?? The questions are quite silly so they could have given whatever result, but anyway, can you believe it??!How evil are you?It is incredible, it seems I will not be a hard chick ever!

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-79875381810187657572008-02-22T16:45:00.009+01:002008-12-12T07:56:01.941+01:00

Today, looking for something in a drawer I found this. Portuguese escudos.I have them since I went travelling to Lisbon.I was 23, it was July. I was passing a rough time, was with my friend Liry in Madrid. I was overwhelmed of all my thoughts and decided to go somewhere where I would not hear Spanish anymore.I changed my money in a bank and went to the Portuguese embassy in Madrid, take the

nayadenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-17604413105330082722008-02-21T22:18:00.009+01:002008-12-12T07:56:02.339+01:00

Everything affects me pretty much. I know I am not balanced, and I know I have no strenght to continue. It is strange, I have these changes in my energy level, very drasticI feel burnt outMy effort, the mental tension that I have at the moment is too much too long. I am not being able to end chapters and I am more and more stressed, and more and more tired. I cannot think anymore, I can not focus

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-27851704274296613752008-02-21T01:12:00.006+01:002008-02-21T01:31:45.247+01:00

I like this song so much, and there are so many things I can sing this song to. Somehow when I listen to it, at the same time I feel anger it also frees something inside. Too complicated to say why I post this today... -rootless tree, damien ricewhat i want from youis empty your headthey say be true,don't stain your bedwe do what we need to be freeand it leans on melike a rootless treewhat i want

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-22982564899573577772008-02-20T10:43:00.005+01:002008-02-20T11:54:23.706+01:00

I don't know what happens to me these days. I am like full of an energy not common in me. It is true it can open me to many things, give me strenght to many things that are for coming. But I am not really comfortable like this. I begin to feel a lack of spirituality, or serenity in me. I begin to withdraw. I wonder if it is normal, if it is just a consequence of all this time cloistered, and the

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-19643579138246521402008-02-20T02:11:00.004+01:002008-12-12T07:56:03.045+01:00

some things are hintedsome others are obvioussometimes it is quicksometimes it is slow...I need it anyhow

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-57477169690266212622008-02-19T16:48:00.004+01:002008-12-12T07:56:03.554+01:00

I lose focus. rain? too much time closed in? don't knowtoo warm, too much into dance. dance...maybe I should change the countryside-kind of fresh-air...to the contaminated glass-of-wine side...I am getting warm... so much warmer...Father, I have such bad thoughts...mmmmm...

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-88914019539023980022008-02-19T11:48:00.021+01:002008-12-12T07:56:04.856+01:00

Today is raining here, it is very nice to see rain falling from my window.I continue studying.I would like to go out and smell rainI have an excess of energy. I was dancing in the bathroom and when I came out from the shower still wetI just did not take the towelI just stepped on the bath matand continued dancing, my temperature is so highalthough there is no more feverjust dancing and wetso nice

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-16525190048605531462008-02-18T11:34:00.016+01:002008-12-12T07:56:05.574+01:00

because I am melancholy matterbecause in my days these are difficult times, unsettling influences spinning around merough sea that comes to mess inside the beautiness of days and nightslightssorrowsbecause events claw in the soft glance and walk scratching through the impossible attentionbecause the infinite peace is the interminable stormbecause the dearest in the secondin the drop of the

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-38412714726214146192008-02-16T12:52:00.013+01:002008-12-12T07:56:06.363+01:00

Today it is the first day I really want to get better and throw this cold out. So I really began to take a lot of things to get better, natural things.Between them, garlic. Yes, eating garlic with bread and olive oil can be too extreme, but garlic is a fantastic cleaner, and this is the result of have been vegetarian and have been living in the world of naturopathy since I was born until my youth

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-37941103775997146192008-02-15T10:20:00.008+01:002008-12-12T07:56:06.642+01:00

the good thing from a bad day is that it ends. there is a following morning ahead, and rules of time, that morning becomes present. it is strange how we are immersed in cycles. which repeat, exactly the same, creating a space of new reality inside a general repetition. it is the same everyday, there is an inner similarity, but at the same time, it is different all the timeI continue sick, I think

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-16659989953339966752008-02-14T21:15:00.008+01:002008-12-12T07:56:06.811+01:00

I'm fucked, yes I amthis is a horrible anxiety. two days studying a shit. I need studying, I have around six days left to finishI'm going to shut the computer off and fuck offthis is an agonytoday is a horrible day, I could not imagine a stupid day like this could affect me! what a stupidity from my part! pathétique!!:-(this is totally stupidmy hormones are not helpingmy mind is there and there

nayadenoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-11639143611557561222008-02-14T17:12:00.014+01:002008-12-12T07:56:06.824+01:00

'You are what I always looked for and never found'If I ever could believe this, not because I don't trust, not because I think it is not true. If I really could believe somebody imagined somebody like me, one day. If I ever could believe I existed before I was, somewhere, in the thougth of somebody, if I could believe I ever existed somewhere...Just the melody of listening to these words blesses

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-12329068328896525252008-02-13T21:44:00.011+01:002008-12-12T07:56:07.158+01:00

many times, many times I need him around me, like all those times he sent me good vibes, like all those times he embraced me in his words, like he did in that train when after saying goodbye he came back and found me crying. I was so happy he came back, he embraced me tenderly and I felt so consoled. Then he left and I did not cry anymore.He was so beautiful that day, it was amazing. I had

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-80095308546139100802008-02-13T13:35:00.004+01:002008-12-12T07:56:07.400+01:00

I'm totally emotional, but I feel better. I have an emotion inside that puts me to tears. I am wrecked physically but feeling all my blood running, it is a very strange feeling what I haveI am about ending my degree. I really feel I can make it. Maybe the next week I will make both exams I have left. I am trembling in tears. Maybe all this shit that has been fixed in my life, all these years will

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-60778850305176329052008-02-13T08:43:00.003+01:002008-12-12T07:56:07.836+01:00

definitively sick. my throat aches so much, sore and stinging all night, earache, sore stomach againmy body feels extenuated, I would be all day in bedtoday is a good day to listen to Vivaldino more darkness, no more cigarettes. I need beauty...

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-56374688776130117112008-02-13T00:30:00.003+01:002008-12-12T07:56:07.968+01:00

wtfin one week and a half I will be donedonedonesuz, take the road'road and blanket'suz- what do you want sophie?soph-- what I want it is to take my car, suz, we take my car and then we don't know where to go, we just throw a coin to the air, north, south, east or west, and take the road. don't know where will sleep, maybe in the car. buy some wine, and stop where we desire, and go without any

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-1396845412529868782008-02-12T11:41:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:10.006+01:00

It is cold, everything is cold. I am sickscarf, and heating, and socks, need warmthI have written a letter because I am angry and don't understand a thing. And I know this will separate me. But I am not good at anger, just wrote it, asking things, telling I don't understand what is happening, giving an opportunity to an explanation, maybe I just don't understand.But I just have written that and a

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-81824643759522612772008-02-11T23:31:00.001+01:002008-02-11T23:52:31.711+01:00

My mood changed drastically this evening, and made a stable state of the change.I changed my last posts radically as I don't know who I try to convince. I feel upside downbetter stop the automatic modeI miss Jane Birkin, and the person with who I listened to her, surely the truest of everything I have lived, so clear, so easy, so sincere. The most sincereI am invited, I am called to tears. But I

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-13142655074429836362008-02-11T11:00:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:10.243+01:00

Falling out the clouds, still hovering, flying rocked by the wind...one day romanticism will kill me. I love her way of putting my feet on the ground. My therapist is an expert in making me surprise and laugh at me very much, I am so funny! my theories, my concepts, sometimes are so ridiculous. I love her practical at the same time sensible spirituality. I am lucky to have this sense of humour

nayadenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-42572085960501456162008-02-10T17:41:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:10.587+01:00

oh god how difficult it is...waves, feelings, cold, frozen airwarmth, desire, love, passiongod how terrible isnot to write a wordhow horrible is to feel so vulnerablethe shiverthe wavethe needhis arms, here, in this nowin this now, here, yetthe cadenza, the rhythmthe paththe way insidethe warmththe sweatthe sexlovecreationthe touchgodI'm going to dieit will kill memmmit will kill meI will not

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-20547639946131586692008-02-10T15:11:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:10.644+01:00

my heart feels dividedlike two petals falling down from the flowerand my soul is singing its song, and I don't know where my petals are flying, there is a spiritual path where we walk and the losses and the belongings have not very much importance, just the fact of learning. I swift again in another step and enter in another dimension. I am feeling more peace though, and will trywill trynot to

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-8437974495704213522008-02-09T22:11:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:11.902+01:00

one of the songs that I cannot help but having in my mind again and again, and listening to them again, and again...I have passed all this day dragging hardly, poorly my body from one line to another. Some horizontals, diagonals, just the weight of my body fainted, low with no energyfeeling cold, shivering behind the duvet, frozen... and slowyesterday I was talking to my dear friend, I will call

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-71162030968840299112008-02-07T20:08:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:12.663+01:00

This is a good analogy of the situation. The mirror is not clean and the reflections are not clearThere are some things I don't need and there are others I miss so muchMy hair is tousled, the wind undid it all and I still am there insideMy breast kisses gravity and hovers somehow in the middle of the heavy worldit just does not let me downMy clothes are slipping down and I begin to

nayadenoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-45915242789490921162008-02-07T13:20:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:14.205+01:00

many times I feel as nothing. just something for me, the tiny self.things are not being fair for meI have an intact concept for fairness, one very broad and selflessimmaculate, sometimes...a leaf flying naive in the windI dry my wetted skin off the oil I spread after the showermy body feels in the minute mmmore than mountainschallenging the sky...it is better that I don't explain very accurately

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-7296193595442927932008-02-06T01:08:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:14.868+01:00

I feel like making love...I dream with curling up, very tiny, inside the arms of that man, he dresses my last clothes off and just starts touching me without using hands... his thighes pressing mine, his hips warming mine, his wrists push my forearms gently separating them from my body. He begins to kiss my neck very slowly, and slips down my shoulder, ... and my arm, the side of my breast, my

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-15377396466489294552008-02-04T16:10:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:15.493+01:00

And again the light. No lymb, that another day came, no desperation, no loneliness, at least not marked loneliness, although I discovered I must put my attention in this.Another day breathing, plenty of light, with the luck of having some rain.Happy to smile, energetic. No melancholy, just kisses flying in the air. Going somewhere, just an intention, of protection, of love and care. Just love in

nayadenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-18376832835616594692008-02-02T12:53:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:16.121+01:00

It does not feel good inside the hole.Money, places, jobs, are tangible concepts and like them, tangible solutions. Those should not bother. Lose money, or lose opportunities, should not hurt.Yesterday a nice girl and boy asked me in de balie if I was blogging. They were smiling and were so nice and kind. I had noticed they were observing me for some time. They said goodbye cutely smiling, I

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-91545304984570059582008-01-31T21:38:00.000+01:002008-01-31T21:41:26.614+01:00

Mil eras tras su partida las estancias se estancaban en un silencio asfixiante. Sin tiempo para despedidas el equipaje se repartía inconcluso entre los ritmosdescompasadosde los pasosdesertandocaminando las esquinasy subiendo las horizontales en la crispación más ininteligible. El eco de las pisadas se desvanecía, todo se hacía parte en la nada, y los números se iban sucediendo en una carrera

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-68861424688981203402008-01-31T19:16:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:17.859+01:00

-strangely sometimes I smoke. but it is so rare...-she laughes at me, because I have such an eye to find the sensual second... to shoot-sometimes I think I found something, like a direction, sometimes my compass. sometimes it seems I am not lost, although I feel completely lost at the moment-fourth mint tea today. de balie is a crowded place in the evening. some kind of place where it seems one

nayadenoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-27383858557865063762008-01-31T17:06:00.000+01:002008-01-31T17:55:43.023+01:00

My heart is a porous instrument. I should be all my life, all my life devoted to music. I don't know what I do that I have that so forgotten. In music you find the method, the aspiration to perfection, the wish to make the ideal, the constancy, the temperance, the expression, the equilibrium... everything is in music. The abstract and the communication, the touchable and the untouchableEspecially

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-54669483414679463612008-01-22T13:03:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:18.096+01:00

I am gladder today. Happier in a shy way, and worried, but still better. On Sunday I came back to basis, I asked myself about the things that are characteristic in me, characteristic is not a good term for what I mean. The things that belong to me because I find myself in them. Because I reconcile myself in them or I feel I am part of them. In that moment I only found something essentialsomething

nayadenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-18148201707470539862008-01-22T00:38:00.001+01:002008-01-22T09:50:58.569+01:00

...

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-65537487776386676932008-01-21T18:24:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:18.687+01:00

hum I feel a second category citizen because I don't...so I study. it is something between me and that. many people use it but not many people love it like I love it, although maybe that does not have any relevancehowever it understands me and loves to be loved by meI wish I could... mmm...

nayadenoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-74428457668507341882008-01-20T12:29:00.000+01:002008-01-20T12:30:04.197+01:00

...la música suena intermitente, como un vahído vacilante. las palabras cifradas construyen una muralla insondable, protegiéndome en su oscuridad. hay algo de ellas que me pertenece: que las amo. aunque no las entiendo. me refugio en ellas porque ahí fuera no entenderlas me desprecia, sin embargo en mi interior ellas son mi protección porque las amo. dentro de mi minúsculo mundo yo amo unas

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-51837179957014307982008-01-18T12:32:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:18.723+01:00

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-80236846926828304582008-01-18T12:19:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:19.349+01:00

dark silhouettes...

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-14442639926379746782008-01-18T12:00:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:19.363+01:00

...

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-69365932657611190092008-01-17T13:36:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:20.410+01:00

...I was worried about hernow she is worried about me...that night I was thinking of himdreaming of himand she was there joking and saying, sophie this for the blog!suzie, the good of everything is that we talk by phone and every time we end laughing. and that is friendship my vriendinthank you for making my phone ring and ring everytime

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-78185634530903230792008-01-17T11:11:00.000+01:002008-01-17T11:37:01.297+01:00

first attempt: I try once to get up from bedsecond attempt: I try twice to get up from bedthird attempt: I try three times to get up from bedevery time I try I break in tears. I hide behind the duvet. I cannot get up, my legs remain strenghtless, bent, weightlessnaked under the duvet. yesterday I undressed to go to bed, I needed to feel I still feel something outsideGod, why did you create me? to

nayadenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-6848789504689201432008-01-16T11:10:00.000+01:002008-01-16T11:12:14.485+01:00

silencestonesvoidsadnessnothing.silence...silencesilence

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-74120364509878269752008-01-15T19:46:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:21.369+01:00

and because I love mirrors...

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-78441163198487508942008-01-14T13:20:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:21.477+01:00

I need to escape. To run. I for the first time here feel I cannot express myself. Not in this language. I see there is no dictionary that can reach a sense of expression as I would write in SpanishMe the perfectionist, because I'm a perfectionist, a filigree maker in my language, writing in English where I'm absolutely aware I'm a mess and I don't get even the correction many of the times. But I

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-87518756620054258282008-01-13T23:10:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:21.862+01:00

And sometimes somebody has told methe awakeningwill save mebut nosometimes I heardthe night would diein oblivionwith timewiththese things we call 'normal'repetitive known acceptedbut nothing is repetitive known acceptedjust a 'behave' which is observedand very bad observersand very bad mannersand many needs of controluncontrolled the night fallsover the need of awakeningsvertiginous the room

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-66243763265553123642008-01-12T10:51:00.001+01:002008-12-12T07:56:22.781+01:00

Things move around. Sometimes shiver. Something shakes.I'm calming down to observe the situation. Everything stares.Yesterday was one of the most crazy days of the week. But I managed to go to bed and sleep nine hours which makes a difference. I have lots of things to do, and definitively my life is changing.I feel more adult like a sudden. I think in some way, this of coming back living at your

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-15152839131297382122008-01-10T19:35:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:23.215+01:00

Today I have been thinking about love and faith. I was digressing in my mind and realized if I had to definy love, I would have to say it is an act of faith. When you love someone you really feel faith, the most you feel is faith. Faith that this person will not hurt you, you open yourself in different senses, and you in that moment, trust. You also have faith in love. Just the fact that it

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-75260969196217861052008-01-09T22:05:00.001+01:002008-01-09T22:16:21.477+01:00

"Mon oeillet fixé à votre irisComme narcisse je contempleDans ces miroirs entre vos tempesLe reflet sombre de mes vicesAllongée à même le sauleTout mon hêtre vous peuplierMoi peu à peu je me pliaisDevant vos charmes et vos parolesMadame rose hybride de théBelle des nuits au crépusculeLoin des regrets et des scrupulesQuelques pétales au thym parfaitMadame rose hybride de théNe m'en voulez pas de

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-19696454521411762162008-01-09T21:28:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:23.538+01:00

I relax, I excite, I relax, I excite... and begin againmy body going crazyfollowing the beat in the drum, the light, the blows in the dark...I feel a bad girl right now... not usual in me... but sometimes...it is not that there is not a part of me that iselectric, daring, seductiveit is that I tend to be too much in ideas...but right nowI feel I am bad...almost perniciousand fuckwho minds...not

nayadenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-57794719275781524102008-01-09T01:03:00.002+01:002008-12-12T07:56:23.799+01:00

-I like these 'trousers', they remind me of my leotards of ballet...This morning I woke up misty, after few hours of sleep due to the queries again. I really have to do a lot of them still, and still have to work a lot on the papers and exams, but I feel every now and then that I cannot breathe.Someone asked yesterday, how I relieved. I really don't relieve in any way. Occasionally I try to

nayadenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8661400005454548440.post-46853648272083707902008-01-07T19:35:00.000+01:002008-12-12T07:56:23.963+01:00

Yes, it's true.I am hot nowadays.how can I help it...maybe everything began when I went to the gyneacologist some days ago. I passed a real bad time, he didn't give good news and made a test that hurt me a lot. And injured inside.Then some kind of pills that I have to fit inside...Then it begins to feel better and there is no bleeding anymore...-yes, I need delicate cares...much delicacy pour

nayadenoreply@blogger.com3